Hope for the Hurting

The purpose of this blog is to offer words of encouragement to brothers and sisters in Christ who have been hurt by the church. The local church is made up of people. Those people are not perfect. Unfortunately, those people can sometimes hurt each other. If you have a word of encouragement, scripture, or devotional that would help a hurting church member, please feel free to post it here.

Name:
Location: United States

Monday, July 31, 2006

Forgiveness

I've been doing some thinking about forgiveness. A lot of reading, too. I've decided that forgiveness is a complicated thing for humans. In the Bible, we're told that God is eager to forgive. That He remembers our transgressions no more. They are thrown as far as the east is from the west. The prodigal son returned home and was exalted. Then...we're told in Colossians 3 to forgive others as Christ has forgiven us.

This is an impossible undertaking, apart from Christ. I believe that God looks for a spirit of forgiveness in my heart. It's okay to ask Him to help me forgive. I think He also knows (because He made me) that I can't as easily forget. So I look at the first step to forgiveness as this:

I acknowledge that my adversaries wronged me, and deserve to be punished for it - but I choose not to pursue that - instead letting God handle it, in His time.

If I can do that, I've laid down my pride. Then, it just takes time. Time to heal, time to forget, time to find a new place. But this first step was huge to me.

Reconciliation

Saddleback church offers some advice on how church members should reconcile with those who are hurt:

"Reconciling with those who have been Hurt by the Church".

I post this, not because any of us should expect to be on the receiving end of reconciliation, but because we are now ministers to others who are in pain. No matter how big or small the situation, if someone was hurt enough to avoid going to church, we need to minister to them. We now know how they feel.

Friday, July 28, 2006

Healing

Here is an article from the Catholic Press on what to do When Someone is Hurt by the Church. It has good advise for those who are hurt, but also makes suggestions on how to help others who are hurt.

Victimhood

This article from Christianity Today explores victimhood and why it is necessary to get past our pain...

When You're Hurt by the Church

Trying to Make Sense, Part 2

I've been thinking about the stories I've read and the people I know. Granted, it's a small group of people and I'm no psychologist, but it seems that each one of us has had to explore a couple of questions.

First, a person will need to decide whether they blame the church, the people, or God for the hurt they are experiencing. Hopefully, those who have a close relationship with Christ will not choose to turn their backs on God. Therefore, let's assume that people blame the church or the people.

Some people at this point investigate the possiblity of starting a new church. This may be God's plan, or it may be a part of the journey. In an earlier post, I referenced an article on House Churches and how they have been a big part of re-capturing people who were hurt by the church.

In either case, it appears that most people at least ponder "What is church supposed to be?" There seems to be a lot of debate on this subject in recent years. Rick Warren's "Purpose Driven Church", Dan Kimball's "The Emerging Church", and George Barna's "Revolution" are all books people are blogging about - but I haven't read them, yet.

This appears to be the place where everyone is stuck. Even though I've chosen to attend a church, (and I know many don't) I am forever changed by the events that unfolded nine months ago. What am I going to do with it?

I believe God is doing a mighty work in the church in America. It's a big shakeup. Every where we have visited people are looking at changing their service format. Being "seeker-friendly", "contemporary", "relevant". That's all well and good, but I want to know what the church is supposed to DO.

There is one recurring theme throughout the New Testament. Once my husband put me on to it, I've seen it in every scripture passage I read. Love God and love people. This can only be accomplished in the Spirit-filled life.

If we had been apart of a Spirit-filled congregation who embraced this theme - we would not have been hurt. So what do we do now? We have to embrace it ourselves. We have to love (action verb, not feeling) our family, friends, strangers, the unwelcomed, the rejected, the difficult, and yes...those who caused our hurt.

Wow, this is getting tough. I need to think a little more.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Trying to make Sense of it

I've been doing a lot of research for this blog. As I've been reading the stories of many other Christians who were hurt by circumstances and/or people in their church, I'm beginning to see some commonalities. The great thing about blogs is that you have the history. I've skimmed these blogs and can see how the people have changed over the past couple of years.

A former Baptist minister - now totally rejecting the Christian RELIGION, though holding on (as best I can tell) to his faith....

A thirty-something mom whose been out of church for 18 months. She says her faith is strong. Just trying to decompress....

A seminary student - just left her first church with a lot of hurt. What will it do to her future ministry?

A homosexual Christian who feels the church has rejected him...

There are a lot of people hurting. I need to think about this a little more. I'm going to visit my sister today, so I'll have a lot of thinking time in the car. (It's 1-1/2 hours away). More when I return...

Minister to Other

Here's an article written by someone who was deeply hurt by a circumstance at her church. As a result, she has chosen to stay out of "organized religion" for awhile. She says her faith is still strong, but God has something to teach her in this time of rest. If you know an "unchurched Christian" who's working through some things, with the Lord's help, she offers some advice on how best to love and care for that person.

Decompressing Faith: Obedience?

For Future Reference

I found these rules for relating to be timely...

Grace and Truth to You: Relationship Rules Worth Remembering

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Shunning

Interesting article on the psychology of shunning in the church...

In pro persona: Didn't Anyone Tell You? I'm Not Speaking to You Anymore...

Guilt

My husband says I can't get through a day without feeling guilty about something... And I have to admit that there have been times that I have felt guilty for the hurt I'm experiencing. Afterall, there are plenty of people out there who are truly suffering. People who have lost loved ones, homes, jobs, or they're fighting cancer. These are people who may, understandably, question the situation they are in. When I try to take a look at my situation from a bird's eye view, I just see a "middle school brawl". He said/she said. Gossip and lies abound. But, it still hurts. Two songs have helped me a great deal. Both are clearly about losing a loved one - thus the feelings of guilt. But they also remind me that God is with us in all our circumstances.

Held, by Natalie Grant reminds me that we were never promised an easy road, as we live the Christian life. But, if something hurts us, then He's hurt for us. And, just like we would comfort a child who's lost a helium balloon (easy come, easy go). God doesn't measure the severity of our cirumstance. He just gives us the comfort we need to get back on our feet.





Praise You in this Storm, by Casting Crowns has helped me separate the choices that people have made - from God's plan. I don't believe that it is ever God's will for the "church" to hurt people. And, once I got to the point that I could truly sing the chorus of this song, I knew that I had made a (baby) step in the right direction.

,




HELD by NATALIE GRANT

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays Is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued?

What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We’re asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It’s unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.

This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred NUMB our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow
.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.

This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.

This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was

When everything fell we’d be held.



PRAISE YOU IN THIS STORM by CASTING CROWNS

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again,
I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

Chorus:
I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm


I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

(Chorus)

Bridge:
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Ideas from Focus on the Family

Focus on the Family has an article entitled, "Overcoming a Bad Church Experience". The article itself is pretty clinical. It gives suggestions for overcoming your hurt that some people may find useful. In my opinion, the bottom line is that it will take time to heal. I can't rush the process. I can follow Focus's reommendations and write down my grievances, ask for my own forgiveness, ask for the ability to forgive others. But, I'm human. It's going to take time.

However, I did find the part on "Finding a Good Local Church" particularly interesting. It's a very logical - unemotional - approach to picking a church. This just reminds me that sometimes we do things we may not feel like doing, because they are the right thing to do. I believe God wants us to be a part of a local church. There may not be a scripture that says that word for word, but the Bible as a whole speaks a lot about the community of faith. And experiential evidence says a lot, too. In a sidebar to the article, there's a quote from Philip Yancey:

"At a deep level I sense the church contains something I desperately need. Whenever I abandon church for a time, I find that I am the one who suffers. My faith fades, and the crusty shell of lovelessness grows over me again. I grow colder rather than hotter. And so my journeys away from church have always circled back inside."— Philip Yancey


I've experienced these feelings, as well, during different periods of my life when I've been away for the church for any period of time.

But what I found most disturbing was this statistic:

Approximately 22 million Americans say they are Christians and made a faith commitment to Jesus Christ, and say that commitment is still important to them, but they have struggled with faith or relational issues and therefore quit going to church.


Maybe we (the hurting) need to consider what we can do for others who are hurting. As I begin to heal, I need to pray that God will use me to reach some of these Christians who didn't have the support of a "Bank church" or a biological family. What good does He want to make out of my pain?

Are House Churches the Answer?

Greg Arthur has a post about House Churches and whether or not they are the future of the church in America. I don't think we'll ever see the traditional denominations dissolve. And I pray that we don't because their ability to combine resources and do great things for missions cannot be underestimated. But, it reminded me of the "Bank church" I once belonged to and how much it helped me in the early stages of the healing process. I think it would have been much worse to have been alone in my hurt.

Thank you God for true Christian friends and a loving biological family!

What is Church?

I came across Kimberley's blog last night. She was an Outreach Minister for a church and was recently dismissed. Here's how she describes her feelings just a few weeks ago:



Where is the community, where is everyone? I feel like this community of people I spent time with, worked with, went on trips with, just ended when there was theological differences. I can understand a job ending, but i cannot understand the community ending. Where the hell is the community? Where are these people who hugged me and supported me? Was it all fake, was it all just for show? At this point as long I am sitting here alone with no community I will say that it all was fake.
She later says:


Sometimes when we are hurt by the church we are told to find a new church or a new community. But I think the church should come to those who are broken, as right now I have no interest in finding another church. What I really need is for the church to come to me and love me.


These are all thoughts that I have wrestled with. Trying to figure out how my church "family" could just abandon me. Throw me to the side after all the work and worship we've done together. But, I've tried really hard to separate people (and the choices they've made) from my personal relationship with Christ. There have been times that I have wondered if the constructs of the church are even necessary. If it were'nt for my children, we may not be attending anywhere.

But, as my boys are approaching adolescence, I knew it was important for them to have a Christian peer group. They still need spiritual training. They don't know all there is to know about scripture and the Christian life.

And neither do I. I need a church for all these things, as well. But, I also need a church where I can serve Him and use the gifts that God has given me.

So, now I find myself saying that I will find a new church. But, I will never get as "involved" as I once was.

Monday, July 24, 2006

All Church People are Bad

This is the first negative attitude I had to overcome. Shortly after the "incident" when my husband and I decided not to return to the church we were members of, we made a family "get away" to the mountains. We were there over a weekend, and on Sunday morning I decided to watch a locally televised church service. I clearly remember the negative thoughts I had about the people I saw on the screen.

"They're faking it."
"They don't care about people."
"They're putting on a show."
The "church people" who had hurt us so badly were making it difficult for us to trust ANY other "church people". But that's not fair. And we knew it. It took a lot of prayer and tears before we could go to church again. Sometimes we still feel like we're attending out of obedience, rather than desire. God calls us to worship together. It hasn't always been easy. It will take a long time to trust again.

But there's one who'll stick closer than a brother (Prov. 18:24). Proverbs 18:10 also says, "The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe. "

Someone once told me, "If you find a perfect church, don't join it. It won't be perfect anymore!" It's true that churches aren't perfect. They are made up of sinful people. But, there's an innocence that is lost when a Christian sister or brother or group hurts y0u.

Let's pray for each other to be able to trust again. Share any thoughts, scriptures, prayer, etc. that have helped you get past the negative attitude that says "All Church People are Bad".

Welcome

Welcome to "Hope for the Hurting". There are bad things that happen to people around us everyday. Disease, weather disasters, accidents, job loss .... The list is endless. In each of these situations people hurt and wonder. Unfortunately, the local church is not immune to hurt. In Acts, Luke describes the first church like this:

". 44 All the believers were together and had everything in common. 45 Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. 46 Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, 47 praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved."

Sounds like a lot of love doesn't it? Sounds just like the type of church we enjoy being a part of. A church where we can encourage each other, help each other, praise and worship together - and watch together as the Lord works.

What happens when a church strays from this model? When they lose their love for people? When they embrace a false doctrine? Accuse an innocent member? Turn their back on a member because of hurt in that member's life (i.e. divorce, addiction, illness). It is sad, but true that people can be hurt by members of the local church.

It is important for us as believers to remember that the church is not God. No matter what people choose to do...God loves us and would never turn His back on us. So, this is a blog about encouragement.

I don't want to have church-bashing sessions. I don't even want people to post their stories. I'm not posting mine. Dwelling on the bad things that happened can bring us and others down. But let us focus on the Hope of the Lord:

"5 And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. Romans 5:5"

I think we can help encourage each other through scripture, thoughts, prayers, or devotionals we've read. Feel free to share any of these.

If God is working in your life to help you overcome the hurt, share how He is working. What He is teaching you.

If you cannot see God working in your life for healing, share with us your feelings. How we can pray for you. And questions you have. You may be surprised at the encouragement you receive.